Monday, May 18, 2009

Abe Lincoln

You know, I am not one to belabor stories into the ground. There is one though that I guess I have somehow mentally tagged as "Legendary;" that is, whenever I am in a new social setting and need a go-to story about weird people, this is the one I turn to first:
The Pube Beard Guy

It was probably week 5 of moving into the dorms freshman year. It was around this time that I began to suspect that my suitemate was insane; you know, a batshit lunatic. Up to that point, he had done the following:
  • Dance Dance Revolutioned naked in the middle of the day
  • The second thing he told me upon moving in was, "I rimmed a guy."
  • Flashed himself
  • Flashed himself and jerked off in front of 10 people in my room
  • Threatened to jizz on our pillows
  • Openly admitted to being racist
  • Threatened jizz on Black people
  • Backed into a room with three fingers in his ass
  • Left a note that he was gone to Houston, never to return. We found him barricaded in the closet.
So, you may be asking, "How the fuck did you not know he was crazy before?" Well, being new to the college scene and living away from home at the tender age of 18, I can tell you that I was not equipped to deal with that kind of insanity. I mean, I think its pretty safe to assume that not many people were raised with the ability to respond to the statement, "I rimmed a guy."

We had given him the benefit of the doubt. We were naive to think that it was just a phase. It really took one more act of perversion to really push us over the edge:

I had returned home from the long Fall-break weekend. The crazy suitemate had made it a point to stay alone, so I barricaded the shit out of my room. After realizing i was the first one back, I took it upon myself to move the barricade and survey what I needed to unpack. The room looked pretty good - the School maids had been there. I opened the bathroom door.

What I found infuriated me to my core. Pubic hair the color of an angry fire was everywhere. "Jesus Christ," I had remembered thinking, "the maids just came." I opened up the door to the other suite. Only darkness - he wasn't home. Asshole, he couldn't even think to clean up his shaved mess. Disgusted I returned to my room to finish unpacking.

Eventually my roommate returned. I showed him the bathroom and we had a good laugh, though I admitted that this shit was going to stop. We got to talking about our mini-vacations when we heard the return of our suitemate. The bathroom door slammed shut.

What I heard next remains the first and last time I have ever encountered something I would label a true cackle. What the fuck was he doing in there? We saw the knob turn and the door slowly open. I still really can't convey properly what I saw. He pointed to his face - there was a swath of red pubic hair caking his chin.

"Look guys, Abe Lincoln!"

That's when I really knew the guy was nuts. It should have been funny if not for the myriad of other perverted things that had already been mounting. It was the straw that broke the camel's back in our minds. Suddenly, we had a new sense of clarity on this kid. He probably would jizz on our pillows or assault us with his dildo.

We told our R.A. and kicked him out that night after his roommate returned. Someone said the next day that campus police had found him camping in a makeshift tent naked. Ironically, they gave him one more shot, and placed him in a new dorm room with a big Black linebacker. He promptly withdrew at the end of the year.

Did we save the world from a crazy or just create a future serial killer? Who knows? For me, I had my own peace of mind: I wasn't worried about someone trying to play "tummy sticks" with me while I slept.

1 comment:

  1. OMG. This story is a tale that will never get old.