Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Wolverine: wtfamnesia?

It really is hard for me to say that an X-Men movie sucked.

Wolverine is, at best, an exercise of Fox Studios once again rapaciously whoring out a Comic-property for money. What's ironic is that they probably could have made a decent movie with the money they supposedly spent. You know, those types of movies that not only stood on their own, but maintain some semblance of quality as well.
Good Things:

- Shriber pretty much embodies what Sabertooth should be, not some def-mute with a mane

Crappy Things:
- It could have used less awkward romance with Wolverine's girlfriend. The fact that she tells him some Native-American(Canadian) story about how the wolverine is in love with the moon, thus naming him...well made be yearn for more people getting shanked with claw-shivs. In fact, I would have just cut out that whole section of movie. All it is is Jackman trying to cash in on his fem-popularity by trooping around in a lumberjack outfit. Whore.

- Deadpool. Where do I begin? How about that the end battle for Wolverine is pretty much what you would see in boss battle out of Mortal Kombat. Yeah, they turn Deadpool into a rich-man's Baraka. Hey wouldn't it be cool if Deadpool had Cyclopse's power? Well you're not alone, because the studio thought so too! I guess they thought it fit to pull some more mileage out of Cyclopse's rotting corpse (thanks X3). Teleporting roundhouse kicks to the face: priceless.

- I didn't think it would be possible, but the FX appear sub-par to even the original X-men. Wolverine's claws look like a Disney cartoon they are so poorly animated.

- Amnesia. Such a convenient way to have Wolverine lose his entire life. The movie ultimately makes itself metaphorically irrelevant thanks to a few adamantium bullets to the head. Like a game horse, the movie puts itself down. Question: If I woke up and didn't know anything about my life, I think I would react a little bit more...insanity. I mean, you don't know who you are, and then claws shoot out of your hand. Hell on earth.

Fall to your knees screaming, holding the bloody mess of your lover's corpse? Check.

Walk away slowly while everything explodes behind you? Check.

You're arch-enemy older brother coming back to team up with you at the final fight and exclaiming, "I'm the only one that can kill you!" Check.

Next time Fox, just do us all a favor. Just make a teen comedy. Thanks.

1 comment:

  1. you forgot one when you posted this...find the crapiest teen idol you can for the young girl crowd! gambit is (not should be) val kilmer in tombstone. period. change the accent and watch the film be dominated by an auxilery character. but no, a long haired cupcake wanna be though guy from a night time soap opera whimps his garbage accent through the movie with no more skill than my cousin did when we were kids in the back yard emulating our favorite super heros. thanks for nothing fox...just stop killing creativity already.