Monday, June 8, 2009

2 Fast 2 Transform Good

So far, this summer, movies have been nothing but disappointments. After the critical and commercial success of last years glorious Dark Knight, the only thing that has really come close to meeting and exceeding expectations has been Star Trek.

Which brings me to the "record-breaking" Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. You know, I could probably write a whole book on how this movie pretty much represents the depths in which directors/studios can sink for money. Instead:
  • The movie is way to fucking long. An hour between decently well executed actions shots (probably intended that way). There were 3 of those. You do the math.
  • Megan Fox's bouncing chesticles can only assuage my eagerness to blow shit up for so long. Nice try though Michael Bay. Really, I think she says maybe 50 words this whole movie. In fact, there really is no strong and identifiable female role to be found; all the women in this movie are unrealistically hot and serve little more than to be eye candy for 12 year old boys. The misogynist in me would normally grin and bear it, but I actually feel the pantie shots in this are just time-wasters, especially in a 3 hour movie.
  • Begs the question: Only 3 cool action scenes in the movie? What happens the rest of the time?
  1. Male dogs humping one another.
  2. Two twin autobots that are clearly Black stereotypes: Gold teeth, speak "Hip-hop," can't read, lazy.
  3. A mini-decepticon blender that shoots lasers out of its cock.
  4. mini-decepticon leg humping.
  5. Old geezer robots.
  6. John Torturo wearing a thong
Really, what irks you about this movie is the wasted potential. So much of this bullshit we could of done without or gladly traded for more Autobot/Decepticon fighting. But nope, we get Black stereotype robots that are on screen as much as Bumblebee and Optimus (while the other cool as shit Autobots are relegated to 30 seconds of screen time). Also, there has to be 30 minutes of solely military action shots, or military guys yelling that they need more air-support. Seriously, the last 30 minutes of the movie could probably be subbed in for an Army commercial and you wouldn't know.

I saw it again, this time very not-sober, last night. I can safely say that the experience did not change much with being intoxicated, other than the painful laughs that come when only the 12 year old boys are giggling at the sex jokes. Really, at 3 hours, it just gets boring and buzz-killing.


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