Abe Lincoln

You know, I am not one to belabor stories into the ground. There is one though that I guess I have somehow mentally tagged as "Legendary;" that is, whenever I am in a new social setting and need a go-to story about weird people, this is the one I turn to first:
The Pube Beard Guy

It was probably week 5 of moving into the dorms freshman year. It was around this time that I began to suspect that my suitemate was insane; you know, a batshit lunatic. Up to that point, he had done the following:

• Dance Dance Revolutioned naked in the middle of the day
• The second thing he told me upon moving in was, "I rimmed a guy."
• Flashed himself
• Flashed himself and jerked off in front of 10 people in my room
• Threatened to jizz on our pillows
• Openly admitted to being racist
  
• Threatened jizz on Black people
• Backed into a room with three fingers in his ass
• Left a note that he was gone to Houston, never to return. We found him barricaded in the closet.

So, you may be asking, "How the fuck did you not know he was crazy before?" Well, being new to the college scene and living away from home at the tender age of 18, I can tell you that I was not equipped to deal with that kind of insanity. I mean, I think its pretty safe to assume that not many people were raised with the ability to respond to the statement, "I rimmed a guy."

We had given him the benefit of the doubt. We were naive to think that it was just a phase. It really took one more act of perversion to really push us over the edge:

I had returned home from the long Fall-break weekend. The crazy suitemate had made it a point to stay alone, so I barricaded the shit out of my room. After realizing i was the first one back, I took it upon myself to move the barricade and survey what I needed to unpack. The room looked pretty good - the School maids had been there. I opened the bathroom door.

What I found infuriated me to my core. Pubic hair the color of an angry fire was everywhere. "Jesus Christ," I had remembered thinking, "the maids just came." I opened up the door to the other suite. Only darkness - he wasn't home. Asshole, he couldn't even think to clean up his shaved mess. Disgusted I returned to my room to finish unpacking.

Eventually my roommate returned. I showed him the bathroom and we had a good laugh, though I admitted that this shit was going to stop. We got to talking about our mini-vacations when we heard the return of our suitemate. The bathroom door slammed shut.

What I heard next remains the first and last time I have ever encountered something I would label a true cackle. What the fuck was he doing in there? We saw the knob turn and the door slowly open. I still really can't convey properly what I saw. He pointed to his face - there was a swath of red pubic hair caking his chin.

"Look guys, Abe Lincoln!"

That's when I really knew the guy was nuts. It should have been funny if not for the myriad of other perverted things that had already been mounting. It was the straw that broke the camel's back in our minds. Suddenly, we had a new sense of clarity on this kid. He probably would jizz on our pillows or assault us with his dildo.

We told our R.A. and kicked him out that night after his roommate returned. Someone said the next day that campus police had found him camping in a makeshift tent naked. Ironically, they gave him one more shot, and placed him in a new dorm room with a big Black linebacker. He promptly withdrew at the end of the year.

Did we save the world from a crazy or just create a future serial killer? Who knows? For me, I had my own peace of mind: I wasn't worried about someone trying to play "tummy sticks" with me while I slept.

Lost: "The Incident"

What lies in the shadow of the statue?

Thanks to babelfish translations, Ricardo Alpert tells Illana, "He that will save us."

...

Long ago when I first saw the line of ash and then the cabin for the first time, I postulated that perhaps the island was an eternal prison for an evil being, or Jacob. The extreme version of this story would be the Lucifer one; the island was the place on Earth that the fallen angel Lucifer fell when he was cast out of Heaven.

In "The Incident," we got a new twist in the war between good and evil to control fate. It has long been established in Lost that there seemed to be two dueling sides vying for the island, and thus perhaps the world. Was it the Others vs. Dharma? Widmore vs. Ben?

Apparently this duel, this time loop has been in motion for much longer than any of us anticipated. Enjoying a fresh-fish taco, Jacob stares out into the Ocean and upon the incoming Black Rock and probably it's long expected cargo, Ricardo Alpert. And then he is joined by his opposite, the Man in Black.

You see, Jacob isn't the only powerful force on the island. As Locke once explained to Walt via backgammon, for every white piece - there is black. There is evil. The Man in Black (MIB lols) hates Jacob so much for his belief that humanity can be saved. All he sees out of men is their desire to control, destroy, and make war. Still, Jacob beckons more of his chosen few to the island.

For what? Well it seems that Jacob has been weaving a tapestry in the shadow of the statue; literally though, it seems the man in white has been carefully weaving certain events and people together. Jacob travels the world touching lost souls at their exact time of need, thus binding them to the island so that they may enact free will within the waves of time and change themselves, and maybe change the final outcome: humanity's destruction by their own hands.

The MIB despises humanity, for he knows how this every loop ends in men destroying themselves. More importantly, he despises Jacob for his faith that men can break the cycle of destruction through their choices, through the illusion of free will. How many times has Jacob done his little experiments with incorrigible men? The MIB is sick of it. Endless loops - endless times having to go down to the wheel and reset it all before everything is destroyed.

"It can end only once. Everything up to that point is progress."

Progress? An eternity of living multiple lifetimes, watching the same events unfold. All the while Jacob weaves his timeline tapestry, ferrying his chosen saved to the island, while the MIB is forced to feed on the damned. A thousand lifetimes, and all MIB wants to do now is end it:

"You know how much I want to kill you right now?"

Ah, but there is a catch. It seems these two opposing demi-gods cannot directly slay each other. Disgusted, MIB returns into the jungle - returns to his cabin. His hatred festers. He begins to actively plot, so much so that Jacob is forced to bind him behind a wall of white ash so that he cannot spread his influence and discord.

"I will find a loophole."

...

The big revelation in Season 5's finale was that Darth Locke (as I have come to call him) actually is way more Darthy then we thought. In fact, he isn't even John Locke at all. It seems the Man in Black finally found his loophole. I am sure we will eventually find out how the MIB broke free of his cabin bondage - how the ash turned black. The important part is that he is free. Ben is just some sort of apprentice-level manipulator compared to his new master, easily falling under Darth Locke's spell and becoming the loophole by finally killing Jacob.

Yet the MIB should have known. Things seemed a little off when Ben told him that his dead daughter appeared to him and made him promise to do exactly what Darth Locke said. He was surprised - could it really be that easy? The MIB didn't even have to convince Ben to kill Jacob.

"They are coming."

From his dying lips, he sputtered the last words to his nemesis. Checkmate. Everything finally ended for Jacob; yet the chosen - the destined - were about to be summoned via an atomic bomb.

Jack the Shepherd and his tribe are coming.

Jacob had planned for this all along. He had been there in all their lives, touching them, binding them to the island and weaving their fates together. They were his ultimate end game in case the MIB had ever found his loophole. Disgusted by this realization, Darth Locke scowls and kicks Jacob's body into the fire.

...

Some people I have talked to said they were pretty upset that we didn't get our answer on whether or not Jack changed the future.

I think that we did though. I believe Faraday was ultimately right before that whatever happened, happened. Like Miles said, the castaways probably are the ones that caused the incident in the first place, because they had to. Akin to what happened to Desmond after the hatch imploded, I think through Jacob's grace (and Juliette exerting her free will), the castaways will be transported back to the present so that Jack and Locke (well the MIB) can have their ultimate showdown.

You see, I think the swerve is that the real game-changing "incident" wasn't in 1977. I believe the real incident was when the MIB finally broke the cycle and killed Jacob. Everything after that point is going to be different. It's funny, because it seemed destined from season 1 that Jack and Locke would ultimately be the driving opposing forces in Lost's conclusion. Locke the man of destiny against Jack the man of science.

Yet the real Locke is gone. Dead is dead. It sort of sucks, because you felt like the new Locke was a BAMF, that he had finally realized his potential. The only caveat to him maybe being REALLY dead is that Jacob not only touched him, but brought him back to life; we'll see.

No the real people of destiny appears to have been Kate, Sawyer, Sun, Jin, Sayid, and Hurly with Jack probably assuming the leadership role of a lifetime.

Jacob's death has signaled the end of the eternal backgammon game with the MIB, as well as the end of the time loops. Lost can and will end only once. The tapestry is complete (can't wait to see the finished product) and Jacob's hand picked team will either exert free will and make the right choices that will save themselves and the world, or they fail before the MIB's hatred of humanity.

So how do you think it will end? Was Jack the destined one all along? Will Ben become Sith-apprentice to his new (or maybe destined) master? Is the real Locke truly gone forever? Is the monster and the MIB one and the same?

There is a war coming.

Lost: "Follow the Leader"

The penultimate setup to the season 5 finale was a veritable Rubik's cube of information: how do all these events line up in time? Or do they?

Perhaps the best way to break this episode down is by the "leader" characters and their motivations.

Jack
Jack has taken up Faraday's mantle as a man on the mission to change time forever. Unfortunately, Jack also has taken up the mantle as the resident crazy-person. Where Jack 4 season's ago was running around doing all he could to save dying castaways, Faith Jack of season 5 is hell bent on detonating a H-bomb. My how things have changed. Looks like my idea of the journal being more important (a variable) seemed to somewhat payoff as it is now Jack's new bible. Just follow the word of God (Farademeology), and you save the world.

The Doc's position is pretty much utilitarianism (established by John Stuart Mill, a follower of the school of John Locke) which states that morally, the best action to take is one that benefits the most people. Jack believes it is his "destiny" to detonate the bomb, because by doing so, he erases all the pain and suffering the castaways and those that have died because of the plane crashed have endured. Faith Jack doesn't seem to care about the bonds he has made with Kate and the rest of the Losties, as what is the right thing to do is to try and save all those people that have senselessly died. Sayid seemed to agreed, because lets face it, his life has been pretty crappy since the plane crash. Kate takes offense, as Jack pretty much pulls the ultimate boyfriend douchebaggery: come off as a crazy lunatic while admitting that his life would be better without the crash. Who knows if Jack will actually be able to go through with it. If you believe that what happened, happened - it is obvious he can't. It also seems incompatible to the show's designs to have a veritable "erase button" that negates all the progress these characters have made on the road to redemption. I feel a swerve coming on, as I still hold out some hope that Jack has something up his sleeve.

I mean blowing up an H-bomb? At the exact time the electromagnetic energy is released? If things go badly, then Jack potentially kills more people than he intends to save by changing time.

Crazy maybe paradox alert:
Also, if Jack stops the plane from crashing, then he stops himself from coming back in time and stopping the plane crashing. My head just asploded.

Locke
Jedi Locke made his return with a vengeance. Not only does this new version come with updated confidence, but he also has a built in island-receiver that allows him to pinpoint the exact time and location for when he'll see his limping time-twin pop out of nowhere. This event also answered the question whether or not the characters could exist multiply at two different places at the same time. Locke worked his leader mojo all episode, establishing himself as the all-knowing, all-seeing man with a plan. It was funny to watch Ben still try to play Locke, trying to butter him up. Locke's presence and unpredictability seemed to truly phase Ben and even Alpert. I think Locke's gambit to kill Jacob might be purely for show, or a way to make Ben and Alpert play whatever cards they holding close the vest.

Locke once said that he wouldn't change the past, because the summation of those experiences is what made him the man he is today; that being said, I found it a little hard to believe that he would then admit to Ben that he cared little if at all for Jin and the castaways stranded in the past. Again, I think Locke is playing Ben by doing the complete opposite of what Ben is expecting him to do. It's also curious that Locke is openly demanding empirical evidence of Jacob's existence when he was so ready to believe in him before.

My guess? Locke already knows that he is Jacob. Or rather, Locke already knows that he will become Jacob. Similar to the way he knew exactly where he would pop out of time before, I think Locke will literally become the false God that Ben and Alpert have been parading around and brainwashing people about. Give them a miracle they won't forget.

Alpert
Even though this episode was Alpert-centric, it was more a time jumping history of Alpert giving the, I think fake, "wtf" face. I still can't trust this guy has no idea what's going on/happening. It seems whatever game Alpert is playing was immediately threatened by Locke's behavior, so perhaps we'll shortly see just who or what exactly he is. His allegiances seem to change with the wind, and maybe the trick to figuring out what Alpert it wants it to try and piece together the reasons for him initiating the leader changes between Widmore (or Eloise?), Ben, and now Locke.

Also, how did Alpert and the others get Jughead down under the ground in those tunnel/ruins? Those tunnels seemed pretty darn ancient, which made me wonder weather or not those had been built with the foreknowledge of future events; that is, the ancients built the tunnels knowing that one day they would be used for Jughead.

Eloise
She didn't seemed to phased by her son's death. In fact, she seemed to be pretty gung-ho to lead Jack and crew down the tunnels. We also didn't get the last conversation between her and Widmore, but it seemed to me like she has him pretty whipped. I wonder weather or not she gave him some special Intel or instructions to do something while they were down in the tunnels. Also, great cleavage.

LaFleur
Got the snot kicked out of him. Seems obvious that he drew the wrong coordinates to where the others are in hopes of getting off before they figured it out. I think Kate's return to the sub will prompt him to try stop Jack to preserve his state of redemption and love for Juliette. My bet is Juliette does something crazy and jealous-like to ruin things. Kate, always blowing up homes, literally and figuratively. Also, way to leave Hurly, Miles, and Jin high and dry. Jerkface.

Nah, I am pretty sure he's got something cooking up his sleeve.

Other Things
Radinzki getting all hopped up on rage. He REALLY wants to tap into that electromagnetism. I wonder why?

Hurly's epic history fail.

Sun's eye-rolling, "Can Jacob tell us how to get to Jin?" moment. Jeebus.

Can't wait to find out what "The Incident" really means.

- Claymhor

Wolverine: wtfamnesia?

It really is hard for me to say that an X-Men movie sucked.

Wolverine is, at best, an exercise of Fox Studios once again rapaciously whoring out a Comic-property for money. What's ironic is that they probably could have made a decent movie with the money they supposedly spent. You know, those types of movies that not only stood on their own, but maintain some semblance of quality as well.
Good Things:

- Shriber pretty much embodies what Sabertooth should be, not some def-mute with a mane

Crappy Things:
- It could have used less awkward romance with Wolverine's girlfriend. The fact that she tells him some Native-American(Canadian) story about how the wolverine is in love with the moon, thus naming him...well made be yearn for more people getting shanked with claw-shivs. In fact, I would have just cut out that whole section of movie. All it is is Jackman trying to cash in on his fem-popularity by trooping around in a lumberjack outfit. Whore.

- Deadpool. Where do I begin? How about that the end battle for Wolverine is pretty much what you would see in boss battle out of Mortal Kombat. Yeah, they turn Deadpool into a rich-man's Baraka. Hey wouldn't it be cool if Deadpool had Cyclopse's power? Well you're not alone, because the studio thought so too! I guess they thought it fit to pull some more mileage out of Cyclopse's rotting corpse (thanks X3). Teleporting roundhouse kicks to the face: priceless.

- I didn't think it would be possible, but the FX appear sub-par to even the original X-men. Wolverine's claws look like a Disney cartoon they are so poorly animated.

- Amnesia. Such a convenient way to have Wolverine lose his entire life. The movie ultimately makes itself metaphorically irrelevant thanks to a few adamantium bullets to the head. Like a game horse, the movie puts itself down. Question: If I woke up and didn't know anything about my life, I think I would react a little bit more...insanity. I mean, you don't know who you are, and then claws shoot out of your hand. Hell on earth.

-Cliches:
Fall to your knees screaming, holding the bloody mess of your lover's corpse? Check.

Walk away slowly while everything explodes behind you? Check.

You're arch-enemy older brother coming back to team up with you at the final fight and exclaiming, "I'm the only one that can kill you!" Check.

Next time Fox, just do us all a favor. Just make a teen comedy. Thanks.