Thursday, January 13, 2011

Is "True Blood" filming behind my condo?

I feel as if my inquisitive nature may get me killed...

There is an abandoned lot nearby to my condo that I like to take my dog and throw rocks and sticks until I wear his furry butt out. This lot is vast and open, with some nice eye-candy:

Come on, honey! Let's go have a picnic and watch the bark fall off the the dead tree!


Pretty cool, right? Very few know about it, so my dog and I get it to ourselves almost anytime that we want. Unfortunately, there has been some creepiness as of late.

In order to get to this "park," we have to cross in between the property lines of these two condo units along a trail that flanks a small stream. Recently, more and more weird shit has started to appear along this trail.

For those who dare enter, there is now an ominous arrow that points you down the path. What lies ahead?

That wasn't there yesterday...

Well, the only way to the empty lot is through the damn trail. A bit farther down I noticed something strung up on the fence:

Is that "Purple Drank?"

Alright, that's some Blair Witch shit. Clearly it is some talisman or idol used to keep evil spirits or squirrels at bay. Unnerved, I pressed on into the clearing:

So, does the sacrificial toddler use the stool to jump into the bad mens' fire?
There in the clearing, I found a fire pit surrounded by chairs facing what seemed to be a modified outdoor fireplace. I slowly walked over, while my dog went about urinating on the child's green stepping stool.

Ah hell, a vile of blood...

I inched closer to the red vial. There was a stopper in the shape of a green apple, and inside there sloshed a syrupy liquid. My pulse quickened - my "get to the choppa'"instinct taking hold. As I turned to step away quickly, my foot landed on something hard that almost turned my ankle:

Time to GTFO? Soilent Green is people!

Realizing what it was, I stifled a manly yelp and kicked the bone; unfortunately, my dog thought this part of a game, and it took me another 5 minutes to pry it out of his mouth. He clearly wasn't happy to be free of the bone, and expressed his displeasure by defecating near the fire pit. We fled the little clearing of horrors, not wanting to encounter the beast(s) capable of such madness.

As soon as I reached home, I ironically uncorked a bottle of red to ease my nerves. Turning over what I had seen, while using my anthropological training, I could only come up with a few conclusions:
  1. My neighbors are vampires.
  2. Hobos have begun to form into tribes, organizing new and complex religious and political systems that employ the use of psychedelics and human blood in their cannibalistic rituals . 

 Thinking back, there was something else I had found that points to it being #2:

Even monsters need their privacy.

Do vampires shit in the woods?


  1. Why are there trinkets and voodoo all up in that dead tree?

    I think Gus' soul might have been taken. I'm just warning you.

  2. I don't know - the creepy thing is that stuff just popped up recently. Gus soul was in his tail, and that has already been cropped. He has nothing to fear.

  3. Maybe, if we give it the benefit of the doubt, some dirty hipsters were partying in that abandoned field one night. However, I'm leaning more toward your hobo tribe theory. That's really the only probably explanation.

    Unless it's a VAMPIRE hobo tribe.