Thursday, October 15, 2009

The Creeper

So being back at work had been business as usual for about a month.

That is, until they added a new girl to the staff. Being a part of a "team" that, in summation, can only be described as a sausage-fest comprised of virgin-level college kids and 30+ sexually frustrated alcaholics, has inevitably led to a shit-storm of laciviousness to surround this poor girl. Like blood in the water, they circle and probe, peppering her with questions that lack any sort of pretense and may be sexual-harassment. In the span of a few weeks, a hierarchy of potential suiters has already formed, and strategies have been set in motion.

Would she take notice of bachelor #1: the gentle-giant that likes to go bowling? How about bachelor #2: that guy that pretends to not care because bachelor #1 is a good friend and he needs it more, but still likes to give 5-second hugs?  Or what about good ol' #3: the guy in rehab who likes to let everyone know where his fingers have been?

Unfortunately for everyone involved, there has been a slight catch; it looks like the new girl has come unwittingly equipped with a male-roommate who has turned out to be a Stage-5 clinger - a full blown creeper. The male-friend roommates are already sort of a nebulously hard thing to understand as it is, but what has complicated our poor bachelors' plight is the fact that this creeper is everywhere.  No matter what this girl does, if it's not with the creeper, he finds out and shows up in all his cock-blocking glory. He'll sit there silently on the other side of the bar, staring silently at the new girl talking to my bachelor friends. If they get up he asks where she is going. If they are having a good time, he'll throw a lime and call her a slut.

Things are still in the early stages, but I can already tell that this is going to end with an epic, gladitorial throw-down between the creeper and whatever man-sandwhich the new girl chooses. A note for all those girls: if you are moving in with a friend of a friend who is a creeper that says he won't put a camera in your shower, I still wouldn't sign the lease. You might find this guy at the end of ever bar you go to:

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