Bad 80's - Africa

There is a sense of innocense of wonder about those first true music videos in the early 80's that I happen to find very nostalgic. It's clear that artists were fumbling into the new medium, trying to marry their music with moving images while also attempting to tell a story.

One needs to look no further than Toto's Africa  as one of the greatest evidence  of that awkward transition from radio to video. If we ignore the the band's appearance, which screams early 80's Middle Earth festival, the video starts routinely enough: there seems to be a dude, looking for a certain book in an African library (maybe) while a female librarian works on. It makes sense, because I guess the song could be about a guy who is trying to track down a long lost love. I don't know why he would have to go to a tiny library, but this isn't the 80's.

From there, shit starts to get weird. I guess Toto must mean "creepy book demon," because the rest of the video unfolds kind of like a horror movie. After cavorting like miniature pixies atop a stack of books, the lead singer eventually finds that same book, cleverly labeled "Africa;" upon touching the book, the lead singer releases the rest of the demonic band from their leather-bound prison, who immediately go to work burning down the library and killing the poor innocent female librarian.

Thank jeebus for the Kindle and iBooks. I ain't releasing no Totos.

Bad 80's - Invisible Touch

I am an unabashed Phil Collins fan. Did you know English Dwarfs could sing like angels accompanied by key-tar?

At one point in the 80's, there was one English Dwarf who ruled the world, and white people from miles around would gather and lose their shit to his siren's call.

But seriously, this guy was a magician. One of his first solo forays away from Genesis led to the greatest music video of all time: SOMETHING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO HEAVEN .

There was never a video that combined the hapless existence of a dog more ; it was once rumored that Phil Collins' voice had the power to seduce even a feral canine. This video cemented Phil as the "Dr. Doolittle of Power Ballads" :

In similar news, Phil Collins was just cast in The Hobbit  as the mayor of Hobbiton. Sorry, that's not true - but wouldn't it be cool if he was?

Bad 80's: Break My Stride

Bad 80's: Back in the High Life Again

Big thanks to Always Sunny in Philadelphia for reintroducing me to some real boating music.

From what I can gather from the video, a mullet-bearing Conan O'brien at one point seemed to have a lucrative singing career, but fell on hard times and became homeless living by a railroad. He then tricks some poor lady to wander around and dance in empty factories, until she realizes that he actually doesn't have a home to squire her to, and he is again lonely by the railroad.

What I can be certain of is that I am going to play this song every time I bust-out in poker while I slowly walk away from the table.

Bad 80's Music Videos: Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)

You know, I was a part of the Journey resurgence on your local college campuses as their power ballads just seem to end up reverberating around in your drunken haze thanks to some frat-ass playing it four times in a row for his "bros."

To answer why this Journey video seems too epic, Steve Perry think that chicks are attracted to mullets hanging out on docks playing invisible or plastic instruments. An appropriate response would be "in your dreams," but then you forget that Steve Perry is smarter than you, and yes it is indeed all a dream - of the girl...?

Oh shit, INCEPTION.